Film link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1zVmgj4OU_AISV3ZjgQ6EeBwmKvgbvNC4/vie

Film link:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1zVmgj4OU_AISV3ZjgQ6EeBwmKvgbvNC4/view?usp=share_link
Professors feedback on my first publish that needs improvement: (first publish is attached)
You mention some interesting ideas in your essay: notably the father-daughter relationship, and how this particular relationship, analyzed and exposed by Otto Bell’s camera, serves as a universal message applicable to any society. Your essay could develop these ideas further.
I see here two “pitfalls” on which you will have to work in your publish 2:
1) you expose your ideas in too peremptory ways, when you should rather try to convince your reader of the correctness of your arguments
2) your essay lacks structure: where is the intro? Why doesn’t it present your thesis? and the outline of your reasoning? You must always “guide” your reader, tell him/her what he/her is going to read. Where is your body of reasoning? Your arguments go all over the place, come and go, repeat themselves… you have to put some order in all this, extract two or three main ideas. These ideas, with specific examples, will become paragraphs. These paragraphs will “speak” and “respond” to each other (they can “agree” with each other: in that case you will go gradually deeper and deeper in your analysis, each paragraph confirming the one before, bringing a new insight. But paragraphs can also disagree with each other. This will created an argument, counter-argument scheme, very useful when you want to moderate your reasoning and expose all the grey nuances of an idea). By “conversing” with each other, these paragraphs will constitute the body of your reasoning. You must then conclude, with a very quick summary of the ideas you have mentioned, and ideally, a more universal opening.

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